Hello everyone, and welcome to the first issue of the Cookie Lady's Sex Ed Helpdesk! Here is where I will be answering the questions sent to me via the Helpdesk, so everyone can benefit from the answers.

This first issue addresses what sex is, coldsores, and those nefarious ETDs.




So here we go! Questions are posted more or less verbatim & names have not been included. So hopefully you remember/recognise your question.

#1 hi what is sex

Well, according to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, 'sex' is defined as:

Quote:

I presume, however, that you are more concerned about the 3rd definition, sexually motivated phenomena or behaviour, which is what most people think of when they hear the word and why so many people can't hear the word sex in any of the other contexts without bursting into giggles.

It's the second half of the definition that I personally find problematic. By using one word, that means quite a few things, to refer to a single sexual behaviour, it leads some to believe that sexual intercourse -- also known as penis-in-vagina intercourse -- is the only "real" sex there is. Some of you might disagree with me, but I beg to differ with this perception. "Sexually motivated phenomena or behaviour," I feel, is most accurate and a more healthy definition to use because it encompasses a wide variety of acts: oral sex, anal sex, manual sex, mutual masturbation, etc. etc., as well as sexual intercourse.

However, since many people don't see "sex" as including things other than intercourse, they engage in these activities without taking proper precautions. Hence the astonishment and surprise I saw in the SDSA chat a while ago when I spoke about condoms being used for oral. Oral sex, while not posing a pregnancy risk (except in really strange, rare circumstances), does pose an STI risk. So when someone says, "practise safer sex" and someone hears that as "practise safer sexual intercourse" instead of "practise safer sex for all sexual acts," risky behaviours can happen.

Defining "sex" as merely penis-in-vagina intercourse is also problematic in my mind because it implies that sex is a solely heterosexual activity, which excludes the LGBTQ community from the discourse. Members of this community may not engage in intercourse, while still enjoying other forms of sex, so in the spirit of inclusivity, the term itself should be inclusive.

As such, for the purposes of this column at least, the word "sex" will mean any and all sexual activity, including, but not limited to: penis-in-vagina intercourse, penis-in-anus intercourse (anal sex), oral sex (blow jobs, head, cunnilingus, eating out, going down, etc.), manual sex (handjobs, fingering, mutual masturbation, etc.) and dry sex (dry humping, frottage, etc.).

Probably a longer answer than you needed, but there you have it.

#2 can you have coldsores without having herpes?

The same person has asked me this question a couple times and I admit it's a tricky one. So I did some research. Pretty much every source I looked at (including Herpes Health, the book Our Bodies, Ourselves, the Mayo Clinic, and Scarleteen) stated that cold sores are most commonly caused by the Herpes Simplex I virus. However, they can also be caused by the Herpes Simplex II virus, which usually causes Genital Herpes.

There are other mouth sores, though, besides cold sores caused by herpes, which might look like or get confused with them. According to Go Ask Alice! (a great health resource on a wide variety of topics), sores around the mouth can also be caused by tuberculosis, syphilis, Vincent's disease, Behcet's syndrome, leukemia, anemia, or drug allergies. These sores are much more rare, however.

Check out the links here for more information about herpes in general.

#3 With all the flaming that's been going on, is it possible to catch electronically transmitted diseases from post-whores?

I'd say the only "ETDs" one might contract from the forums is a severe case of SIA, which is Stress-Induced Alopecia, as a result of pulling out one's hair over inane posts, ridiculous flame-wars, or unneccessarily outlandish and rude actions; or a strange condition known as Bashius Keysiitus, characterised by severe headaches and square-ish red marks on one's forehead, most likely caused by bashing one's head against their keyboard repeatedly.

I'm concerned about your reference to carriers of ETDs as 'whores' of some sort, however. Just because someone has SIA or BK doesn't mean they're promusicuous posters, or that they engage in forum activity for money, just like an STI is no indicator that someone is sexually promiscuous or engages in sexual activity for money. In fact, I see terms such as 'whore' and 'slut' as value judgements that are difficult to weigh objectively, as everyone has different values and standards that others might not adhere to. Someone who makes 30 posts might be a post-whore or forum-slut to you, but to them, or to other people, with different standards of what constitutes reasonable online activity, might see them differently. Similarly, someone who has had 30 sexual partners might be a slut or a whore to you, but not to someone who has different ideas about what is reasonable. On top of that, by using negative terms for people who have many liasons, either on forums or sexually, it implies that there is something "bad," "dirty," or "wrong" with these people, and by association, with the act itself. There is nothing wrong with posting on a forum! There is nothing wrong with having sex! It's all about the context and what the individuals involved are comfortable with. Good communication and negotiation skills are key, even in long term relationships.

I end this question by advising everyone to engage in safer forum posting and safer sex!

And so ends the first edition of the Sex Ed Helpdesk! If you've got any more questions about sex, sexuality, sexual politics, gender issues, etc., direct them to the Helpdesk at the left of your screen!

Safe Love!
-Cookie Lady